How Childhood Attachment Shapes our Personality

Has it ever occurred to you why some people seem to effortlessly navigate relationships, while others struggle to build a strong foundation? The answer might be found in something that developed long before your first heartbreak or that awkward first date—your attachment style. This psychological blueprint, formed during your earliest interactions with caregivers, determines not only how you connect with others but also how you perceive yourself.  British psychoanalyst and psychiatrist, John Bowlby, known for his pioneering work in attachment theory believed that attachment had an evolutionary basis. He wrote in his 1988 book A Secure Base, “The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature”.   

Image by Freepik

But what if I told you that your attachment style influences more than just your relationships? Well, it also plays a key role when it comes to your personality, which has an impact on both your personal and professional life. Attachment theory might be the missing piece of the personality puzzle, that influences the way you deal with stress to the peculiarities that make you, you.

What is Personality?

“Personality is the dynamic organization within the individual of those psychophysical systems that determine his unique adjustments to the environment.” (Allport, 1937)

In simpler terms, personality is a system with psychological (e.g., emotions, intelligence, temperament) and physical (e.g., various glands in our body) aspects, that interact and shape our personality development and behaviour. Different elements within this system function in an integrated manner, helping each person to adjust and adapt to their environment uniquely. Since no two individuals have identical experiences, their reactions to the environment are also unique. 

What is Attachment? 

Attachment can be defined as a long-lasting psychological connection with someone significant in your life, providing joy in interactions and support during times of stress. The type of attachment you have influences development and functioning. Mental representations of these interactions shape your future attachment style and relationships. Bowlby described this concept as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings”. 

Bowlby developed his attachment theory after conducting studies on child delinquents and hospitalized children. His findings led him to examine the negative effects of maternal deprivation - a situation where the mother was either unresponsive or absent for extended periods during a child’s first two years of life. Bowlby felt that children have an innate need to form deep bonds with a primary figure, usually their mother. When they are unable to form an attachment, it negatively impacts their development, leading to issues such as depression, aggression, delinquency, psychopathy, and a decline in intelligence.

Bowlby’s 4 Stages of Attachment

1. Pre-attachment (newborn-6 weeks): Newborns engage in behaviours that attract adults, such as crying, smiling, cooing, and making eye contact. They are not yet attached to their mothers or primary caregivers, but the presence of others comforts them. 
2. Attachment in the Making (6 weeks- 6 to 8 months): Infants begin to establish a sense of trust in their mother or primary caregiver and know that they can rely on her in times of need. 
3. Clear-Cut Attachment (6 to 8 months - 18 months to 2 years): Attachment is established in this stage. The infant prefers their mother or primary caregiver over everyone else and experiences separation anxiety when she leaves. The infant’s temperament and the way their mother or primary caregiver comforts them influence the level of separation anxiety experienced by the infant.
4. Reciprocal Relationship Formation (18 months to 2 years and above): Separation anxiety decreases as language develops. The infant understands when their mother is gone and when she will return. Furthermore, a sense of security is established, as they know that their mother is always there for them, even when not physically present. This sense of security was described by Bowlby as an internal working model.

Another significant figure, well-known for her work on attachment theory is Mary Ainsworth, who collaborated with Bowlby in the 1950s. 

John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in Charlottesville, 1986.
Picture courtesy: Wellcome Library, London

Bowlby’s attachment theory was experimented with using the ‘Strange Situation’ test, which observed children’s responses to their mother’s presence, absence, and the presence of a stranger, leading to the identification of three attachment patterns:

• Infants with insecure attachment
• Infants with secure attachment 
• Infants who didn’t form any attachment

These findings laid the groundwork for the formulation of attachment styles and Bowlby identified 4 types of attachment styles.

What are the 4 Attachment Styles? 

1. Secure Attachment

i) Relationship with Caregiver: Children with secure attachment feel safe, happy, and confident in exploring their surroundings and can rely on their caregivers. Although distressed when their mother or primary caregiver is absent, they know that she will return. The primary caregiver is stable and consistent. They are responsive to the needs of the child regularly and soothe them in times of distress.

ii) Basic Personality Features: These children grow up into confident adults, who are trusting, and capable of maintaining long-term connections and relations. They are also optimistic in times of distress, have positive self-worth, strong emotional balance and healthy emotional regulation. They can manage and resolve conflicts effectively and can trust and rely on others for support

iii) In Relationships: They can easily seek support, are emotionally available, and don’t experience anxiety when apart from their partner. They are comfortable with maintaining intimate relationships, can set healthy boundaries, and trust their partner. They can also handle conflicts constructively and seek a mutually beneficial solution.

iv) At Work: They usually thrive at the workplace as they are usually confident, well-adjusted, better equipped to manage stress and conflicts, and can form healthy relationships with colleagues. They stay optimistic in times of challenges, which helps maintain productivity and morale. They are also open to receiving constructive feedback and growth.

2. Avoidant Attachment

i) Relationship with Caregiver: Children with this style of attachment do not trust their mother or primary caregiver to fulfil their needs due to their unavailability. They act indifferent to their caregiver’s presence or absence. These children are not explorative and are emotionally distant. Their caregiver’s behaviour is also disengaged, emotionally distant, and rejecting.

ii) Basic Personality Features: As adults, they are self-sufficient but struggle to be emotionally open and vulnerable, and are afraid to get too close to others as they perceive closeness as a threat to their independence. Trusting others can also be quite a challenge for them.

iii) In Relationships: They avoid intimacy, are emotionally distant, and prefer independence. They are not open to intimacy and close relationships, and experience little distress when a relationship ends. Research suggests they are more likely to engage in casual sex, particularly men (Sprecher, 2013).

iv) At Work: These individuals may often prioritize their independence which can sometimes act as a hindrance to teamwork and collaboration. They often avoid seeking help or support from colleagues, and prefer working alone and staying by themselves within the workplace. They struggle to connect with colleagues and may be resistant to feedback because they perceive it as a threat to their independence. This might make personal and professional growth challenging for them.

3. Ambivalent (Anxious) Attachment

i) Relationship with Caregivers: Children with ambivalent attachment style exhibit a mix of resentment and helplessness toward their mother or primary caregiver. Unable to rely on their primary caregiver, they feel insecure. The parents have an inconsistent parenting style, where at times they would be responsive and at times neglectful and unavailable to the child, leaving the child feeling anxious and unsure about what to expect. 

ii) Basic Personality Features: As adults, they have a constant need for validation and reassurance and have a deep-seated fear of being abandoned. They experience emotions intensely which may sometimes lead to mood swings or overreactions. They might also engage in excessive overthinking often, which can have a negative impact on both their personal and professional life.

iii) In Relationships: As adults, they are hesitant to form close bonds and worry that their partner does not reciprocate their feelings, resulting in frequent breakups. Their sense of self-worth is tied to how they are treated in a relationship. These individuals may be too clingy or have a constant need for love, attention, and reassurance, and hence, they find it difficult to observe boundaries. They also struggle to fully trust their partner and feel distressed when a relationship ends.

iv) At Work: They may struggle with self-doubt and seek constant validation from colleagues and superiors at the workplace. They may be overly concerned with how they are perceived by others and may go out of their way to please co-workers. They struggle with tasks that require them to make independent decisions and fear making mistakes. They struggle to take constructive criticism as they perceive it as a personal attack. They may also struggle to maintain boundaries which often leads to the blurring of lines, between professional and personal relationships.

4. Disorganized Attachment

i) Relationship with Primary Caregiver: Children who do not fit into the other categories, fall under this fourth style of attachment. These children may exhibit depressive, aggressive, passive, or indifferent behaviour. Their caregivers may have been neglectful, erratic, or chaotic, causing confusion, disorientation, and trauma in the child. Such parental behaviour is believed to be due to having unresolved trauma. 

ii) Basic Personality Features: As adults, their behaviour can be unpredictable due to internal conflicts about wanting a connection but also fearing it. They struggle with being vulnerable and showing affection. They experience anxiety as they fear both closeness and abandonment. They also have low levels of self-esteem and may often suppress their feelings. They may exhibit antisocial or harmful behaviours, struggle with substance abuse, or be prone to aggression or violence, and others may often accuse them of not taking accountability for their actions. It is often referred to as a very unhealthy attachment style. 

iii) In Relationships: They display a confusing mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours in relationships. They have a strong need for a close connection with a romantic partner yet struggle to open up and be vulnerable, which makes intimate relationships feel confusing to them. They may seek out a loving relationship and then suddenly push the other person away and sabotage their relationship as they have a hard time trusting their partners. This style is often linked with unhealthy relationships characterized by toxicity, clinginess, poor communication, and even abuse. 

iv) At Work: These people may exhibit inconsistent work habits, reflecting the contradictory behaviours within them. They fluctuate between high engagement and withdrawal, which makes them an unreliable employee. They have a hard time trusting their co-workers and may be suspicious of their intentions, due to which their relationships with colleagues suffer. They may also experience high levels of stress and anxiety at work affecting their performance. To deal with it, they may use unhealthy coping mechanisms, like avoidance or disengagement, further affecting their work and relationships.

Could you identify what your attachment style is? 

Having an understanding of your attachment style can provide great insights into how you relate and interact with others and can help you navigate the complexities of personality. Recognizing these patterns will allow you to address potential issues and foster healthier relationships. Your attachment style, whether secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, plays a significant role in shaping who you are. Therefore, the more you understand it, the better equipped you’ll be to establish a fulfilling and connected professional and personal life.